These last few weeks I have found myself in a slow routine with small children and easy time on my hands. I’m enjoying time with Jesus, but it is full of distractions – what with little children running around! I have unconsciously adapted my way to these wonderful grandchildren!
I just became aware that in this adaptation, I have allowed something crucial to slip. It isn’t dramatic nor fatal. However, it is insidious and dangerous. It is an expression of the work of my enemy whose goal is to distance me from my One great love.
I have become aware of a dulling of passion – not a major loss by any means, but Ido tend to be aware of the beauty of intensity in my pursuit of Him. As soon as I felt the shift, I was concerned – asking myself , what is happening?? Is this part of returning to Canada and our western world life cycles which legitimize distance from Jesus?
As I have reflected on this, I think it is – in part. Our modern world has developed to be the ultimate engine of distraction. Nothing like what we have, has ever existed on this planet before! There are just so many amazing ways to tangle ourselves in activities and pastimes that detract from Life and add no true vitality in the spiritual realm. Life can become so busy and oppressive with little effort on my part! I was taking easy time with Facebook, with news stories ( which I haven’t read for quite a few months) and other trivial updates that are part of the fabric of this world. And with no thought, I was stepping away, a soul adrift in a sensory sea that was blinding my eyes. I was distracted!
However, what the Spirit drew my heart to see, was my part in this venture. I am usually sobered by my agreements and any participation in my own distancing of my heart from Life. What I saw in myself, was the tremendous God given gift of choice, exercised in small yet significant ways that was undermining my avowed reason to exist. As with all courses in Life, it began with some small reasonable initiatives tied to jet lag and settling into a home that was not my own, with the delight of spending time with two wonderful young children. I delight in them, I pray for them and declare their destiny with joy.
Yet, I stepped in a direction that did not built my passion! This was my choice. This was not a regression to old patterns, it was just a small shift, a slight adjustment. A temporary shift!
Never-the-less it was a choice that began to wedge and divert my heart away from the One thing. The Only thing that I have set my heart on as a reason to exist. That is your presence my Spirit, my Lover my Daddy God.
I heard no complaint! I heard no reprimand. I sensed always only the familiar encouraging grace of His presence. It just seemed a step away! It just required a small movement to catch His hand. But my Spirit and Soul began to ache – sensing a loss! It was quiet and in some ways unobtrusive. But it spoke to a deep part of me that burns furiously! There was a growing effort needed to draw fuel for passionate Flame. There was a fury growing within my being, a focused weapon surging awake within my soul. Something beginning to be at risk! Shock awoke me! For I have sworn, I can not move on without Your presence. I will not. I choose to not live with anything less than You!
So, in awakening to distraction, what should I do! (I do believe that when passion is at risk, a passionate response is always required!)
“One thing” does not exist in my life because I am casual. “One thing” does not have life as a result of happenstance. “One thing” doesn’t exist because I have mouthed some words and have stated some truths to live by. “One thing” is a place of being, a place of intimacy, a place where His eyes, His face, his Being has pulled me out of my small world into the infinite grace of His transcendence. I live for that which can only be comprehended from within His mind. This is the heritage of a son or daughter, the joy of a lover, the wealth of being a friend of God.
So I move into a place of mystery, that for me, is so disconnected from words. I move into a place that is beyond discipline ( thought there is always room in life for discipline). I move into a place that I can only describe as Fire. I forcefully and violently plunge into Flame. A furious burning that shakes and consumes and has no equal in this world of ours. I move into a place that answers Fire with fire. It is a place of action, of awakening, of delight and joy. It is a place of intimate breathing and soul searching queries. And it is a place of rest, of peace of grace. Not of my doing but of His, not of my delight but of His Joy. I am held in the fierce arms of Love and I am free again to be me!