Facing the questions

As I meander in my journey, I am recognizing that all questions must be faced!

For example, the question – “Why do I crave something addictive?”- is at the root of many broken areas of life. Whether it is a chemical substance, an adrenaline rush or simply approval, if I do not find an answer, I will live in a shadow world – never realizing freedom. Always hiding, always struggling.

The challenge is to recognize those moments when the question comes bubbling up into my conscious mind as a gift of grace! The exact moment in time that it flows into my awareness is actually a moment primed for discovery! The moment has intruded in discomfort! It has grabbed my attention as circumstances have shone a spotlight on some aspect of my life that permits my eyes to see clearly, if only for a few minutes.

The questions when they float up into my thoughts, invite me to honesty. Each question asks me to face my fears and sorrows. Rejection, confusion, and intentional harm are part of life. Each event slices me open in many and varied ways. All of them unique, all of them painful! Generally I learn to run and hide, be angry, be busy, be dismissive, be arrogant, be strong, or be victimized. All of it, in a pattern of my own evolution.

The challenge is to let my journey teach me a courage that is grounded in hope. When I can not believe I really have a capacity greater than that which I have realized to date, I “have to” hide in fear. I can be so sure that I am on the brink of discovering my innate lack of significance! I will run away from this nightmare!

Yet, the journey also draws me into encounters that show me that I have purpose. It reveals unique attributes that no one else can quite exhibit – in the unique way I do. I find those others on the journey who delight in that uniqueness and find me quite refreshing – if I but have the courage to reveal myself and not merely be a mirror reflecting back the jumble of my bustling surroundings.

Each of us needs to find an answer to this question- “Who will look into my eyes and find me precious, or cherished, or loved?” I can be part of that answer! It does not take too much progress in the journey to discover that there is a spiritual reality that causes each one of us to sparkle in ways that makes me truly beautiful to any one who has eyes to see. Catch the sparkle – be the answer. Face the questions, find the answers! I have always been surprised by how many have been waiting to meet me! You will too!

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Living in mystery

Mystery is without.

Unseen yet felt, a hint that breathes a fragrance of possibility. Unknown, yet hauntingly familiar, this tendril calls each one forward. It is an echo of a song that is new, and so I ponder – how can I hope for something that I have not yet known? Yet I do!

Stirrings, that hint of things that are shaking. Imponderables that move with a precision which I can’t define! Force that quiets my heart and yet makes it beat wildly. It clearly is an invitation to each one who has any sense of imagination. Questions in the night!

Sleeping, yet on the verge of wakefulness. Images cascade and grand visions speak portents of destiny – which slowly fade as I awake. Disturbance quivers on the surface of my soul as if brushed by a touch of electricity. I seek, yet I cannot speak!

Confidence – courage leaping as if a trout out of water; explosive in it’s expression! Where did that come from? Out of the depths, unusual images that impinge on mundane circumstances. Familiarity shifts, momentary fractals appear in my reality. Why now?

A greater reality sits behind. I run and yet I hope I am found! Purpose chases me and I myself seek answers to enigmas within my being. Fountains hint at vitality that should be, but somehow fades! The mystique of an essence trapped within yet waiting to kiss my future.

Mystery is within.

Author – Bill Tidsbury

Leaping anew!

Where ? How? in this New Year??

Dancing comes to mind – I keep getting pictures of dancing. It is a movement that flows, that is tied to music and rhythm. It is designed to be with a partner/s. It is attractive to others and is an expression of beauty.

Fire is always in my mind. Fire of passion, of intimacy, of freedom’s home. A fire that doesn’t harm or destroy. A fire that is bright and full of light and invitation.

There is also intimacy – face to face transparency that nurtures love and true community. A connectedness that can enjoy silence and yet is exuberantly contagious with joy and laughter. This is an intimacy that heals!

Then I am reminded of courage. Courage is needed to step beyond that which I  know, to believe in the possible of what I long for. I need courage to risk shifting relationships to be wind rather than anchored stones.

Most of all there is the impossible overwhelming incandescence of presence! That is intolerable and yet so full of grace and fulfilment that Life can not be truly tasted apart from it. Presence that goes beyond the finite bounds of my being to explore the reaches of a Lover who experiences no limits in creativity and uniqueness. Who is always “now” and always sure that beauty longs to be released!

This “Presence” lifts a call to a Life outside of “normal”, to a place that suspends disbelief and shakes everything around me.

So I  must run – with eyes wide open and laughter in my soul. Caught in a destiny that I can’t begin to comprehend but sure that what ever lies ahead, it can only be more full of the One I love – and inextricably linked to you – the others I encounter in my moments each day!

Author – Bill Tidsbury

Vulnerability fulfilled

I need.

To long for and to feel deep lack, presents an interesting encounter with myself!

When I long for something that I lack – I meet the shattering reality of vulnerability.

In vulnerability, I am exposed! I feel naked.

 

Naked!

This moment is either great freedom – or a shocking encounter with vulnerability/ weakness.

Freedom -if I’ve learned the glory of being beloved, desirable, unrestricted and unashamed.

Weak – if I feel exposed, open to ridicule, aggressive depersonalization and risking harm.

Shame tells me which way I went.

 

To yearn.

If I cry for that which I can not exist without, I find hopelessness waiting at the door.

Unrequited longing is exhausting! Who needs it??

So I bury it and pretend that I can survive independently.

 

To be.

This calls out of me a humility that reveals my character. I am complete yet vulnerable.

My life’s trauma does not determine my humility. Humility arises through courage.

Have I risen to the challenge of facing that my natural state is naked!

 

I receive!

The wonder of the gift of love comes in my weakness and acknowledged need.

I need you! I stand naked and unashamed knowing that vulnerability releases greatness.

In your eyes I find me and am infinitely fulfilled!

Author – Bill Tidsbury

With You

Joy is a feeling internal,

Peace engages my will,

Love is a feeling of mystery

Hope always opens my cage.

 

To dance when the dance floor is missing,

To laugh when no one is playing,

To sing when the piano is tuneless,

To be when I’m alone in my haze.

 

It takes courage to laugh in the silence,

It is strong to weep when feeling the song,

It is loud when I’m still and most quiet,

It is life when I breathe and move on.

 

I stop so I  hear you just being,

I look for a glimpse of your eyes,

I hold  your hand to feel tender,

I turn cause I’m safe in your arms.

 

I’m best when I’m with you alone.

I’m happy to skip when away,

I’m free to whisper my secrets,

I’m ready to dance all my days.

Author – Bill Tidsbury

Passionate abandonment

I am a God of passion.

To know me, is to be touched by fire.

Love is incandescence!

My glory blazes in blinding light.

I cannot be forced to share my glory with any other.

But you — I have loved and drawn to me.

 

I am a God of joy – it was for the joy set before me that I pursued you to the death.

It is my joy to share my glory with the one that willingly draws near to my heart.

To know my glory is to know my passions.

To know my passions is to be lifted high in glorious joy — and also to be torn asunder!

 

Ahh!! God. Who can have the courage to pursue you to the death??

 

Those who have given themselves over to the passionate abandonment of love!

 

Abandonment to love is not a dance of words.

It is to have your very life pressed out of you into my broken world – into the lives of the hearts I long to know. It is choosing to see, then share in the tragedy, sorrow and devastation that flows in the wake of injustice.

I yearn  – oh that my lovers would act to reveal the vastness of my heart through your blood, sweat and tears. Will you stand in between?

Love  the hurting with a passion – it’s how I live.

Love messy hearts with a passion it’s how you share my joy!

Author – Bill Tidsbury