Driving me

So many things can drive me!

Life is framed by choices made. Yet so often, the instant course corrections that meander through my day, occur without my conscious say! I had intended to grab a coffee but as I go, I meet a friend! We put our heads together and a tangent frames my day!

Now, what occurs behind my eyes, when in those moments I must choose, to stay within the plans I’d made, or shift and spend my time with you! It is within those swirling depths, that  impulse moves, or, shifts and lurks. What do I value? Am I truly free? Or, is a beast alive inside of me?

The pressures that do drive me, I am learning now to see. They often do surprise me with demands that are severe! If I am living unaware, they quickly overwhelm my sensibilities and I am moved to act by relics left behind by previous storms and eventualities. I then am left with ponderings in the middle of the night; regarding the many sorrows that partnered with my precious life this day.

So again I wake and make a firm resolve.  I want to hear Spirit’s whisper, that reminds me of fresh delight. I must remind my heart to pause upon this precipice of choice! This presence speaks a freedom for me from those dark masters in my night. I’m open once again – curious, eager – to dance within the storm and not simply run in anguish; driven to be forlorn.

Author – Bill Tidsbury

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Something bigger

Am I confident? Do I know how all fits in my  scheme sublime? Do I order this life and control all my days?

  • To organize and structure things unexpected and new. So I arrange unpredictable and frame times so small.
  • To make lists and shift things so life moves in step.  So I  rest confident knowing I won’t drop the ball.
  • To be practical and focused with clear goals I achieve. My enemies are buried I can stand atop my wall.

Why don’t I feel? Why can’t I see?

As I’m troubled by mysteries that cry faintly in dreams.

 

Am I curious? Does wonder intrigue me? Do questions open vistas to crazy things unknown?

-To ponder regarding the colour of blue, that shines in the sky and fills me with light.

-To sense a small child all twinkly and bright, inquisitive with wonder, chuckling with delight.

-To float in the ocean, and sway in the surge, of forces unseen and vastness of might.

Where is my place? Who am I ?

As i sense something bigger that baffles my soul.

 

Am I here in this realm? Am I there so surreal? Does my mind capture essence when spirit lives aware?

  • To perceive with senses that thrum and seem jolted, that shift vision to places where only angels dare.
  • To be drawn in, to be loosened while frames disappear, so that words become formless and brightness is so much more than glare.
  • To be known and knowing within intimacy’s embrace and feel love’s explosion taken past time and this “where?”.

Why am safe? Why am I laughing?

As I live in awe loving eternity’s surprise!

Author – Bill Tidsbury

A moments panic

A moments panic, eyes open wide,

I booked the wrong date – what a surprise!

Where is the phone number?

How do I call?

I’m in another country still learning how!

 

Connection goes through, a gentle voice answers.

So good to hear that they are not too severe!

Sure we can do that!

Pleasure to help!

What a relief! Simple kindness brings peace!

 

Mistakes – they just happen, it’s all part of life.

One moment your sailing, the next it’s a wreck!

Life is a process.

Each breath brings new life!

Speed bumps just come to help me slow down!

Author – Bill Tidsbury

Strange new space

Mountain sunset leaps on the scene as the light plays through the gaps in far hills. Colours, gradually fade as the day draws into the dusky promise of rain. With a sigh the darkening sky warmly accepts days end.

Sitting alone in mountainous Boaco, Nicaragua, I’m enveloped by the onset of rain. Rain that drums and lashes its way across the roofs below me. The fine mist blowing off the roofs, fills the air, while lightening crashes silhouettes the hills that surround this beautiful town.

I sit alone, yet not in silence. The valley echoes and resounds to the marimba lilt from the bar  many streets below. I ‘m enjoying the sound until I realize the incessant beat – dum dum dee, dum dum, dee –  can only be appreciated in small quantities as it overpowers all other aspects of the night!

The air is fresh – unexpected in the tropics! Refreshing after various days with sweaty arms and the humidity that makes you sticky! Strangeness infiltrates the atmosphere as I ponder on the realities of being once again in this place of the unknown. Adventures form in the presence of strange new space!

Author – Bill Tidsbury

A Different Me

Culture, a way of being. It seems so settled, till we meet another living differently! My way seems so secure. “Of course, it all makes sense!” Until another – sees another me. How can that be! Who am I?  The one I knew or the one they see? It’s not a fight, it’s  just a change -both/and not either/or. So I live, alive and well, still learning more of what I will. I grow in light and see you there – a different me!

Culture, a way to see, a way to speak. It frames my thoughts and tunes my ties. It is and so am I! I live with you and we agree, to walk beside and dance with tunes. My feet are free- never stepping on your toes! Then somehow you appear beside, wildly suggesting a new dance tune. The dance is strange – so I must change! My habits deep, now disagree, this cannot be the way to dance with me! And yet I sense the joy!

Dancing with you, changes me! I’m alive to see my feet once more. They awkward feel and yet they seem – alive again! Soon, I am learning to be me, alive with you – and different within me! I now am learning, more of me. I see the world through different eyes. My world has changed! It’s grander still. Life is to be lived – not boxed! So now I bless this day, that opened eyes, and gave me more. I rest with arms spread wide!

Author – Bill Tidsbury

Facing the questions

As I meander in my journey, I am recognizing that all questions must be faced!

For example, the question – “Why do I crave something addictive?”- is at the root of many broken areas of life. Whether it is a chemical substance, an adrenaline rush or simply approval, if I do not find an answer, I will live in a shadow world – never realizing freedom. Always hiding, always struggling.

The challenge is to recognize those moments when the question comes bubbling up into my conscious mind as a gift of grace! The exact moment in time that it flows into my awareness is actually a moment primed for discovery! The moment has intruded in discomfort! It has grabbed my attention as circumstances have shone a spotlight on some aspect of my life that permits my eyes to see clearly, if only for a few minutes.

The questions when they float up into my thoughts, invite me to honesty. Each question asks me to face my fears and sorrows. Rejection, confusion, and intentional harm are part of life. Each event slices me open in many and varied ways. All of them unique, all of them painful! Generally I learn to run and hide, be angry, be busy, be dismissive, be arrogant, be strong, or be victimized. All of it, in a pattern of my own evolution.

The challenge is to let my journey teach me a courage that is grounded in hope. When I can not believe I really have a capacity greater than that which I have realized to date, I “have to” hide in fear. I can be so sure that I am on the brink of discovering my innate lack of significance! I will run away from this nightmare!

Yet, the journey also draws me into encounters that show me that I have purpose. It reveals unique attributes that no one else can quite exhibit – in the unique way I do. I find those others on the journey who delight in that uniqueness and find me quite refreshing – if I but have the courage to reveal myself and not merely be a mirror reflecting back the jumble of my bustling surroundings.

Each of us needs to find an answer to this question- “Who will look into my eyes and find me precious, or cherished, or loved?” I can be part of that answer! It does not take too much progress in the journey to discover that there is a spiritual reality that causes each one of us to sparkle in ways that makes me truly beautiful to any one who has eyes to see. Catch the sparkle – be the answer. Face the questions, find the answers! I have always been surprised by how many have been waiting to meet me! You will too!

Diversity

The tropics are so rich! There is a never ending cycle of plenty. First one tree and then another comes into bloom. Certain plants sprout even while others are ready to harvest. Variety is unending. Our world is rich in its amazing ability to provide. Rich diversity is built into the fabric of life in this world as we know it.

Mankind is easily distracted by productivity rather than diversity. Quantity seems to stand tall over the quality of life. it is easy think traveling to 100’s of places is richer than exploring a few in depth. We sample our world as modern westerners rather than becoming intimately familiar with it. We frame assumptions from our brief exposures and believe we are the experts on life. Yet we live in solitary and often lonely monoculture environments.

Monoculture is our chosen answer to issues of efficiency and production. We eliminate diversity and narrow our dependence for life to one crop. We explore and analyze techniques to find the one technique which we  certify as the “best”! We build our lives on the best and wonder why we so often wander lost in our success! The when we plunge into diversity our senses become “jangled”. We laugh at the “chaos” of Life and pronounce on the wonder of our own efficient ways.

Yet if we take time to immerse ourselves in a jungle environment, and take time to really “see”, it soon becomes evident that there is a different way to be. The most productive part of our planet, which we are so rapidly eliminating, is vibrant with growth and diversity. It is a testimony of the timeless value of diversity, of variety, of a form of highly organized chaos! Life thrives and competes in a complexity that is breathtaking and beautiful.

I am taking time to sit back and lose some of my  assumptions and learn of the beauty of allowing my spiritual being  grow out of the confines of my modern boxes and return to a more diverse, and richer state of life. Let the jungle back in and allow the diversity and creativity of life introduce a chaos that will reward you with fruit in the most unusual and unexpected seasons of life.

Author – Bill Tidsbury